That Will Be Enough

The couples are on the dance floor and

my photo app reminds me of where

we used to be years ago

on this date:

kissing, in the park, smiling.

I believe we may have been happy once.

I wanted you to help me feel financially secure

            and work actively on your past money mistakes.

You wouldn’t.

That would’ve been enough.

I wanted you to be interested in spending time

            doing things I like just to be with me

            even if you didn’t like doing them.

You wouldn’t.

That would’ve been enough.

I wanted you to speak kindly to me

            and not threaten or yell or think you

            could say whatever you wanted.

You wouldn’t.

That would’ve been enough.

I wanted to be more important than the movies

            you obsessively watched.

I wasn’t.

That would’ve been enough.

I kept telling you I loved you not only

            for who you were

but for who I saw you could be—

You turned into someone I couldn’t recognize

and someone I was scared to love,

hiding from you in my own home,

seeking solace in sugar and sleep,

isolated from friends and family. 

You told me I was broken

and would never find another.

That may be true—

now every man seems a threat,

has the potential to want more than I can give.

This heart, cracked and shredded,

I guard alone and let no one new enter,

knowing loneliness is the only way

possible

to make it beat again.

To have it in one piece, though misshapen

and misused, cradled in my own arms—

To feel it pulse in the dark protected under my ribcage—

Even if it means I can’t be with another—

That will be enough.

July 5, 2020

Tansy Julie Soaring Eagle Paschold