Facing the truth isn’t always easy.
The truth about my mental illness is that with it come thoughts
of suicide. I didn’t choose my illness,
and I didn’t choose my brain. What I can
choose is what I do about those thoughts.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because who
would take my cat?
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because my kids
are too young
to sort out my
stuff just yet.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I don’t
have the energy.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I don’t
have the brain power
to come up with
a plan.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I couldn’t
afford the hospital bills
if I failed.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I don’t
want to have to
explain it to
everyone.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I don’t
want to pass my debt
on to others.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I don’t
want others
to have to see
the pain I truly am in.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I can’t
explain it to
anyone.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I can’t
afford the therapy.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I tell
myself
I can handle it
for just one more day.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I can
convince myself
the voices are
monsters in my head
telling me the
wrong things.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because my cat
comes up to me
and nudges me
in a way
that I know he
is saying he loves me.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because someone
calls or texts
just to say hi.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because the
piano music I’m playing
speaks to me in
a way that says
just hold on.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because a high
school classmate
posts a message
describing
their own
struggles
and I know I’m
not the only one.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I find
a message
my son left a
long time ago
on a notebook
for me.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I know
my daughter
saved my life
once upon a time.
Sometimes I don’t
do it
because I can journal
my way
through it.
6-7-21
Tansy Julie
Soaring Eagle Paschold