August 22, 2023
Why Stay, in Love
Dear Friend,
I am
still here. You are still there. I am still writing to you, reaching through
the miles and the silence with words, written words about me and you and all of
us, about how love can be and can’t be, how the journey of life can find us
guessing at what is and what we thought it is supposed to be.
My
parents celebrated their fifty-year anniversary last year. My mother’s parents
were also married over fifty years. My father’s parents made it to 65 years. I
have two friends from grade school who married their high school
sweethearts…and at their late forties, are still happily married. I am elated
for each of them.
Growing
up, long-time married couples surrounded me. There wasn’t a question of what my
future would entail: I would get married, have children, and stay married. Divorce wasn’t an option. I remember as a youngster, having a
discussion with one of those friends who is still married to her high school
sweetheart about love: we thought love is less a fleeting feeling, and more a
deciding to continue with the same dedication as before. We were young; we
hadn’t seen rough times or gone through anything yet. Our bodies hadn’t hit
adolescence or felt lust, we didn’t know that changes can be severe and even
understanding ourselves can be a challenge.
When I was young, it seemed so simple.
And it
can be. I can’t assess why every couple
decides to marry, but the ideal situation is that two people choose each other
because they have a common bond, they like and love each other, they want to
spend their lives together because of what they see in each other now, and what
they think they see the other person becoming with them.
And
couples can make it through those tough times. Even when people change, couples
can adjust. Even when they hit a rough spot, they can cling to that original
reason they chose each other, can renew those reasons they first fell for each
other, can find a new way to reach each other. Every couple has rough patches;
every couple has the potential to get through them. My dad’s parents made it
through the Second World War, when my grandpa was a medic in the army. My
parents made it through a terrible farm accident.
I
wanted to be one of those couples. I wanted to find love like that.
When I
was in my early twenties, dating one of those farmer boys perfect for settling
down with, I started having strange symptoms. I went to three doctors, told
them it was like I was two people. They said I was just an extroverted person.
I looked back at my shy life, my constant feeling that I didn’t fit in
anywhere, and this didn’t make sense. My two sides split further. Why
did this happen? That is for another letter. What happened is that
farmer boy turned into a rapist. Lovely they-lived-happily-ever-after flew out
the window. And I fell farther into my confusion.
I
married my first husband because the pregnancy test I took was positive. He proposed
by asking me if I could find it in my heart to marry a drunk like him. Our
daughter was 13 months old and was our flower girl at our wedding. We put the cart
before the horse, so to say. But I was convinced this could still be that
childhood love story in our dreams… the house, the children, the happy couple.
I think
some couples can stay together if they marry for other reasons than if
they are truly connected as an equal couple.
But many can’t. We couldn’t. We weren’t together for ourselves; we were
together for the children. There were other problems; I won’t go into that now.
But I believe if a couple is together for reasons other than each other, the
stresses between them may often be too much to create a healthy marriage. Or a
stable, long-term one. I resisted this divorce; I held resentments for a long
time. It took me a while to let go of this.
Why
should someone stay? When should they
go? If a person must hide something in order to stay, that is a red flag. If
they are giving up something or someone that earnestly makes them happy, that
is a red flag. If they have changed enough through the years that they no
longer walk the same path or have an epiphany that significantly alters their
course and the other person can’t follow, that is a red flag. If their reason
for being together in the first place was based on something other than truth
and each other, that is a red flag. If they didn’t know who they were, and
discover that later, and the other person can’t change with them, that is a red
flag. If they are staying together to make someone else happy, that is a red
flag. If they are staying together because they are scared, that is a red flag.
If there is less trust now and more jealousy, that is a red flag.
That
seems like a lot of red. I thought I could stay, sacrifice contentment for the
kids. Cover it up with dedication. Paint a good picture. Pretend. My miserable
sickness kept bleeding out through the cracks. Who am I to be giving advice?
Perhaps I know what to do now because I have done what you are NOT supposed to
do.
But if
a couple can bend, can change together, can make the commitment to truth…if a
couple isn’t hiding or looking elsewhere…if a couple started out looking at
each other, and are still looking at each other…if there isn’t a piece of themselves
they are destroying in order to stay together …then I believe they have a
chance.
So am I
urging “stay” or “leave”? Fight or flight? We or me? That is not my choice to
make. That is not my journey.
What is
love? Perhaps it does start with a fluttering, a fleeting feeling, a bit of
lust. Perhaps it is, like my friend and I were discussing, a little decision
each day, to continue with the other, on top of that fluttering.
Perhaps
love is also letting the person choose their own journey. Perhaps love is
wanting them to be happy, no matter where that leads them. Perhaps love is not
a possessing, but also a releasing. Perhaps love is holding the fluttering,
then watching the horizon between you, no matter what distance that becomes.
But the
most important person to love is yourself. Is what you are doing each day a mirror
of the self deep inside? Are you loving YOU, too?
Thinking
of you.
Love,
Julie
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